


Losing Sight of the Shore

by Jenni_Snake



Series: Slight Modifications [1]
Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-03
Updated: 2012-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-02 23:34:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/374617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenni_Snake/pseuds/Jenni_Snake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*SPOILERS for S04E24* <i>The Roommate Transmogrification</i>. Minor inconsistencies with the episode.</p><p>Will changing life circumstances and a confession from Howard push his best friend away?</p><p>(This series is on nearly-permanent haiatis. I have it sketched out through the end, but have not yet been capable of completing it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Sight of the Shore

Howard Wolowitz sat alone in the cafeteria, slouched over his food, reassessing his life. It was sad, but seemed appropriate that he and Bernadette were no longer together. It was sad, and a bit strange, that Raj was in some sort of relationship with Penny. He sighed at his untouched lunch, unsure why he even bought it.

He only looked up when Raj sat down cheerfully at the table with his tray, beaming at him. He kept smiling widely, his head bobbing slightly. Howard stared back at him in silence, but he wasn’t going to win.

"So, you really slept with Penny," he said as an opening, feeling his chest collapse, his heart sink. He knew he should play happy for Raj, but he couldn’t find it in himself.

"Yeah," Raj said with a grin and a faraway look in his eyes, "I really did."

When Howard didn't say anything, Raj's smile disappeared.

"I mean... really... I swear I did! Even ask Penny! Well, no, don’t ask Penny. … Aren't you proud of me?"

Howard furrowed his brow.

"What do you mean? Why should I be proud?"

"Because I'm your friend! And it's Penny! It's like climbing Mount Everest. Or like two Mount Everests."

Howard shot him a dirty look. Raj was taken aback.

"Geeze," said Raj, "I would have thought you'd've been all over this, asking for details and everything. Oh, wait... I get it..."

"What?" Howard said, moodily.

"I see what's going on,” Raj nodded, still grinning. “Penny's said no to you more times than anyone can count, and I sleep with her on the first try. You're not happy for me because you're jealous of me!"

Raj beamed in triumph as Howard glared at him, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I am not."

"Yes, you are," Raj said, smirking and tipping back in his chair. "You are SO jealous of me."

"I am not jealous of you!" Howard said more forcefully, which he could tell a moment later annoyed Raj.

"Just admit it, you are!" he shot at Howard.

"No, I'm not!"

"Then what the hell are you jealous of, because it’s obviously something!"

"I'm jealous of Penny!" Howard shouted.

They stared at each other, and the bustle of the cafeteria disappeared. Their expressions were frozen in shock – neither of them moved. Howard could feel himself holding his breath. He felt light-headed, thought he was going to faint, his lungs were burning.

But Raj made the first move. His face fell. He was unflinching as he turned his attention to his tray, dropping the plastic fork on the Styrofoam plate, the napkin on top of that. Fully engrossed, not giving Howard a second glance, he stood up, walked across the room, shook his lunch into the garbage and clattered his tray on the pile. He shoved the doors open and disappeared down the hallway.

The next moment, chairs scraped the floor, people chattered to each other, a can of pop cracked open and let out a hiss. The cafeteria noise rushed back to Howard as his friend – or the person he thought was his friend – disappeared from the room without looking back.

*

In a daze, Howard had finally left the cafeteria, double checked that his lab was cancelled because of broken equipment, and found out from Sheldon that Raj had gone home early.

Howard walked down the halls staring at the ground, one foot in front of the other, wondering how anyone ever walked anywhere, especially when they weren’t thinking about it, sure he’d lose his momentum. Without noticing, he’d made it outside, put on his helmet, and sputtered his scooter to a start.

Everything had just changed. In an instant. It was like standing on a cliff – one moment, you’re on solid ground, the next you’ve put your foot over the edge and everything’s gone, tumbling into oblivion. He knew things were going to change, he just didn’t think it was going to be this drastic.

Everything ruined in a few short words. Lunch – gone. How could he be welcome at a table where his friends didn’t want to be around him? Hallways – each move out into the corridors would have him wondering the best way to avoid running into his former best friend who now thought he was disgusting. Halo night – Thai food Tuesdays – Comic Book Store night – all gone. Who was going to hang out with him instead of Raj? It wouldn’t even need a coin toss.

A stupid crush, a stupid crush, and nothing else, and eight, nine - who was counting anymore? - years and years of friendship spiralling down the drain into the sewers. He felt his shoulders tensing up, and didn’t see a point in doing anything about it. His hands hurt, and he looked down to see his knuckles white on the handlebars. This was going to be no way to live. What was he going to do?

He found himself stopped, as if he hadn’t even been driving down the empty afternoon street, in front of Raj’s building, locking his helmet to his seat and yanking open the glass doors. Then he knew what he was going to do - he was going to be angry.

He rushed the stairs two steps at a time: how – dare – he – run – off – with - out – a – word – how – dare – he? And: who – needs – him – any – way? And: stu – pid – hom – o – pho – bic – jerk… and he was already in front of Raj’s, pounding loudly on the door, to hell with what the neighbours thought.

“I know you’re in there!” he yelled. “Sheldon said you’d gone home!”

Just as he raised his fist, ready to bang again, the door opened. Raj didn’t even flinch, not that Howard was going to hit him, but what must it have looked like? It either didn’t register or Raj didn’t care.

“Go away,” was all he said, and closed the door in Howard’s face.

Tears seared Howard’s eyes and clenched his throat, but he wasn’t going to be sad, he was going to let it fuel his rage.

“You asshole!” he yelled, voice raw, pounding again on the door, not doing so well at keeping the tears out of his voice. “How dare – ”

Raj opened the door again, but without looking out, just leaving it and walking away. Howard stormed in after him and slammed it. Raj didn’t turn around, just stood gripping the edge of the sink, back to Howard. Silent. There was a broken glass vase by the door, a plate smashed to shard on the kitchen tiles.

“How dare you,” Howard finished, feeling his face flush, incredulous that Raj could have the gall to be mad at him. His heart was pounding, on the verge of breaking, but he wasn’t going to cry, even if his sadness was now overtaking his anger by leaps and bounds. He wasn’t going to fall apart.

“Aren’t you ashamed?” he asked, trying to beat down the shame he was feeling himself now, trying to tell himself he shouldn’t be, failing like he had a million times before.

In the moment of silence that rang around the room, Raj spoke quietly and levelly.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Me?” Howard shouted, jumping at anything to keep him focused on being mad. “Me?! You’re trying to blame this on me? It’s _my_ fault? _I_ didn’t tell _you_ sooner? And I’m damn glad I didn’t now. ... No! Maybe I should have. I would have known my friend was a homophobic jerk and not wasted my time on you!”

He was panting and had to grab the counter for support, and it was only then that he saw Raj, for the first time, eyes clenched shut, mouth a grimace. His shoulders shook slightly.

"I... don’t get it - why are you crying?"

"I’m not a jerk," Raj blubbered over the sink.

Howard froze as his anger collided with his confusion. He was still trembling, but the rage was lost and the sadness won. He couldn’t see someone he loved cry and not feel his heart squeeze tight. His anger broke completely and he felt his tears run down his face. Raj turned around and slouched against the sink. His red eyes made him look like he hadn't slept in days.

"Wh-why did you storm out of the cafeteria?" asked Howard, trying to repuzzle what had gone on. Hadn't he seen Raj go cold with disgust?

Raj slid down against the cupboard and sat on the ground. Howard sunk to his knees beside him like a child waiting for more of a story.

"I was angry - so angry,” Raj sniffled. “I'm sorry."

Raj pointed to the vase and the plate and whimpered. Howard drew close and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Why were you angry?"

"It's stupid, so stupid... I just, I thought California was different from Delhi, I didn't think people hid. I thought it was safe. I thought everyone would talk about this," he gestured between them, "you know?"

Howard smiled despite himself - one thing he loved about knowing Raj was always trying to guess what he meant.

"I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what the heck you're talking about."

Raj stared up at him with bloodshot eyes, and Howard brushed the back of his fingers across his cheek without a thought. Raj clutched Howard’s wrist and held it like a butterfly - gently, but desperate for it not to fly away.

"I love you," he told Howard, simply.

A wave crashed over Howard and he understood. All that time: _Why didn't you tell me sooner?_ Sooner so I would have known, so I could have told you, so we could have stopped this charade in front of each other, could have talked, seen, felt, loved each other over all these years; could have touched, kissed, held each other this whole time, instead of wasting the days, the hours, the moments... _these_ moments.

For the second time that day, the world had turned back on itself. Everything was the same, and everything was absolutely different. They sat against the cupboard, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, watching as the sunset changed the colour of everything in the room in front of them.


End file.
